Easter, The Monster Bunny From Spain, and the Santa of the Spring

Easter arrives this Sunday, and as per usual, we here at The Cosmicomicon like to find a darker angle on things normally associated with light.

As such, I give you THE FIVE MILLION YEAR OLD MONSTER BUNNY FROM SPAIN!

A bunny the size of a sheep dog, and it couldn't even hop!  IT WAS THAT LARGE AND MONSTROUS AND PREHISTORIC!

Scary, yes?  No?  Yeah, agreed. Not really scary, but kinda interesting, at least to this rabbit owner, blessed to be raising this little dollop of pure furry nectar:

But back to Easter, and the pagan tradition of the Easter Bunny.  Like so many of our American holiday traditions and Disney-mined fairy tales, the concept of the Easter Bunny came from German settlers (WOOT!), who called the egg-laying, mammalian freak "Osterhase."  I'll let Wikipedia, the exacting, air-tight chronicle of unsullied history, do the talking for my stupid ass:

According to the tradition, children would build brightly colored nests, often out of caps and bonnets, in secluded areas of their homes. The "Oster Hawse" would, if the children had been good, lay brightly colored eggs in the nest. As the tradition spread, the nest has become the manufactured, modern Easter basket, and the placing of the nest in a secluded area has become the tradition of hiding baskets

Did you know that the original Easter Bunny was an actual HARE (not an actual "rabbit," per se - Yes, I had no idea that there was a difference outside of syntax), who demanded that children create nests of grass, in giddy anticipation of the arrival of colored eggs deposited from its hinder?

This Bad Jack is all about handing out twigs as opposed to chocolaty treats.  So goddamn German.

And of course, the whole earthy Easter thing was quickly snatched up and drained off all soul and meaning by corporate interests, who just wanted to squeeze more cash out of the populace by installing a new Santa of the Spring.

So, Happy Easter, hoppers and hares. Eat some chocolate, go to church, hang with family.  Spring has sprung.  The egg laying rabbit just told me so.