Friday, March 25, 2011

Apocalypse Soon: Christians Give Finger to Heathen Mayans and End World First

This headline might come off as something crafted by the funny folks at The Onion (who need to shy away from television and stick to the printed word), but no.  I wish to God it was, but no.  This is all too real.  This is the End of the World, conveniently dated to mark your calendars.
The Cosmicomicon, since its founding all those innumerable, uh, months ago, has been and shall ever be dedicated to discussion of the dark, the weird, the cosmic, and the horrifying.

Well, nothing says darkly weird cosmic horror better than a bunch of Christian loonbags begging God to hit the reset button and unleash the Rapture, dispatching Jesus (who apparently is only the same actual entity as God when not running errands) to hover over the earth in his finest whites, and pluck out all those who willingly said the magic prayer of salvation (and MEANT IT!), then hand deliver the elect to the Big Cake and Punch Social in the Sky.
Meanwhile, the rest of us "unsaved" non-Evangelicals - including Catholics, Lutherans, Methodists, Mormons, Unitarians, Branch Davidians, Christian Scientists, Scientologists, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Whos, Druids, Deists, Taoists, Shintos, Sikhs, Wiccans, Walrusi, Zoroastrians,Vegans, Las Vegans, Hipsters, Sportos, Motorheads, Geeks, Sluts, Bloods, Wastoids, Dweebies, Dickheads, and ESPECIALLY the Jews - are left to deal with the rise of the AntiChrist, who formerly was - I was told as a child - none other than the inspired former Soviet President (and ironically, slayer of the atheistic USSR) Mikhail Gorbachev...
Yes, this was required reading at my childhood church
... but now is probably Barrack "Secret Muslim" Obama, with someone like George Soros or Michael Moore running a close second (as the below results of a 3 second Google search show, Obama IS in fact in the running for AntiChrist, and isn't just AntiChrist evil, but MUSLIM AntiChrist evil).
But hey, at least we get to see a Hydra, will enjoy less traffic and more parking (at least in the Red States), and get to witness the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.  This should make Notre Dame fans happy; and let's face - due to their emphatic embrace of the papacy - there's going to be a LOT of Notre Dame fans left hanging around for the Obama (née Gorbachev) Monster Show.
And all of this is going down in two months.  Less.  May 21, to be exact.  The billboard by my house says so.  The EBible Fellowship says so.  Hell, the BIBLE says so (according to EBible Fellowship, *ahem*, "math").

6.21.11.  Chalk that, and then eat shit, Mayans.  Your dirt worshiping asses are a year too late.  Our God wins.

I wouldn't normally bat an eye (or baseball) about yet another declaration of Armageddon from wacky Christian nut jobs breeding their way to supremacy in this country.  But this new Salvo For Salvation literally parked its stupid ass up the block from my house and dared me not to snicker, or semi-publicly mock on my semi-read blog.
Same billboard, but from a different location... This movement has some cash behind it.
You think I'm kidding?  Read this, and weep.  Or laugh.  Or laugh til you weep. 

Or actually, prepare yourself for the end, which includes staying home and spending as much time with friends, family, house pets, and materials things as possible.  Much like the "unsaved" of all Catholic and Protestant-based denominations (not to mention those who dare believe in religious traditions that weren't lucky enough to come from Israel), exactly ZERO dogs go to heaven.  Nor do plasma televisions.  Baseball card collections do make it past the Pearly Gates, however, as everyone knows that God is a Yankees fan.

But do stay home and make every precious, prayer-filled moment count before The End.  I vigorously encourage this, cuz, well... I want to take advantage of less traffic and more parking as soon as humanly possible.  I don't have time to wait until the end of the world, and I, like Jesus, have errands to run.

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